What It's Like Growing Up
When I was 6, I made a deal with my mom that I could have a slumber party when I was 8. So, when I was 6, I desperately wanted to be 8.
But I found that when I was 8, I wanted to be 10. When you’re 8, double digits mean a lot to you, enough to forget about the slumber party.
When I was 10, I wanted to be 12. When I turned 12, I just wanted to be 13. Being a teenager seemed like the only thing that really mattered, so I was crushed when I spent my 13th birthday in Ohio, across the country from my friends.
But being 13 only had it’s luster for so long. Wanting to be 13 turned into wanting to be 16, being 16 turned into wanting to be 18.
Then after I stopped wanting to be older, I’m starting to wish I was 12 again.
Now I’m sitting in my last psychology class trying to think about how I’ll never experience this exact kind of familiarity again. I’m starting to feel like I’ve spent my whole life wishing it away, wishing to move on, wishing that the here and now would turn into the tomorrow and after. Always wishing I was older, wishing I was somewhere else, wishing I could remember and wishing I could forget too. Wishing I hadn’t ruined so many good things because I was scared or bored. Wishing I wasn’t so anxious about things that didn’t actually matter. Wishing I’d gotten to know my uncle more, and wishing I didn’t know myself so well, because I always know what’s going to happen. Wishing I hadn’t ever dyed my hair, wishing I was more toned, wishing I was 5 lbs lighter. Wishing I’d waited and wishing I’d hurried up as well.
But now that it’s May, the month of graduation, I’m finally making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did, because I don’t have time to hold onto the faults of my past like I used to. What’s done is done. Getting to May was a turning point for me, probably the biggest change I’ve ever experienced. Peering over the edge of being an LCHS alumni and an LMU Lion, I’m making the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without removing everything I would’ve wished away.
I miss a lot of things about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back. Though I regret wanting out when I was in, I’m finally coming to terms with who I was, I just hope I never wish the present away again. And I’m so sorry to past me that it took so long, but you know, life happened.
I am not sure how much I have matured or if this is all a part of growing up, but I realized that certain things are going to fall the way that they are meant to fall. It’s not easy to have faith in yourself and others, but it’s not impossible either.