To My Best Friend's Boyfriend
The story of a best friend's heartbreak.
To my best friend’s boyfriend,
I have recently found out that you dislike me, which I guess makes sense. I don’t love you at times either. We are two people who will probably never be friends, we are not a pair that jive, I will never seek your friendship. But that’s okay. No one can love everyone. That’s perfectly fine.
However, the boyfriend of my best friend, I’ve heard that you don’t like me because I don’t like you, which is pretty crazy if you ask me. Not crazy in the sense that I think it’s invalid but crazy in the sense that it’s surprising to me. Do you have any other reasons? Is there anything about my personality that bothers you? Have I done anything to do that wasn’t in my best interest?
I’ve thought about this a lot and I’ve decided that I don’t think you know where I’m coming from when I say that I don’t love you all the time. I don’t think she’s told you everything about my lack of love. I don’t think you know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m just the one who’s not afraid to say it to her face.
Let me tell you a little bit about me. My last boyfriend was manipulative and emotionally abusive (see Despite Everything). In September of 2015, the fall of my senior year while I was still dating him, my closest friends sat me down and voiced their concerns about him. My only responses to their emotional speeches were “I still love him” and “I’m not breaking up with him”, two phrases I’ve now heard from your girlfriend many times. Two phrases that are painfully invalidating, two phrases that confirm the ignorance and lack of understanding. Their speeches to me were out of a place of love and fear, exactly how my speeches to her are. I can understand why she says it though, I’ve been there. I’ve felt how she feels. At the time, my boyfriend was an extension of me. If they were (seemingly) attacking him, they were attacking me more. Their distaste for him hurt me, it felt more like distaste for me. It’s really hard when your best friends, your closest confidants, your favorite people don’t like someone you love. It’s hard to be torn between two worlds.
However, I now know that it hurt so much more to watch your soul sister cry, hyperventilate, break down, and get so upset so often. It hurts when her anxiety and depression overwhelm her, but you don’t even think it’s real. It hurts when she tells me what you call her, what you say, what you do, what you don’t do. It hurts when she forgives you so fast, how she blames herself for your actions, and how I can see her breaking, but can’t do anything. It hurts that I’m beginning to think that I’m wasting my time comforting her when I know she’s going to let you back into her arms as soon as I leave her room. It hurts to watch her and know I might as well be silent because even when I feel like I’m screaming, she will never hear me.
It hurts me that I constantly feel like I’m losing her to you because she ignores me as soon as you come up. You are pulling us apart, but forgive me for not loving you all the time. I love her too much to love you. I care about her too much to view your guys’ future optimistically.
My best friend’s boyfriend, at this point you need to know that I am unable to forgive you for your actions because when you hurt her, you also hurt me, but she’s the only one who hears your apology. When she’s crying about the things you’ve said or what you’ve done, I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces. You get her back as soon as she’s up again.
I will always love her, so I will always try to love you, too. I will try to sit next to you at dinner and pretend that everything’s okay. I will try to be excited when something amazing happens for you as a couple. I will always try to move on. Just know that it will always take absolutely everything out of me to look past everything that’s happened.
I’m sorry that I don’t love you and you don’t like me, but I haven’t hurt you like you’ve hurt me. If you truly loved her, you’d at least be able to recognize for a moment that I may truly love her infinity times more.
I’m sorry that this is the way it is,