I Don’t Know Either
I promise I’ve been writing a lot recently (despite my empty blog), but I haven’t written anything I want to post. I’ve just been very, very stressed (not sure what’s in the water, I feel like everyone has been feeling this way).
Gaia told me that she’s worried about me, but I told her not to waste her time. She said she’s not losing sleep, she just hopes I’m doing okay. But the thing is: am I? Am I doing okay?
I feel okay most the time, but there always so many things I’m worried and stressed about. My dream right now is to have hours and hours just to talk to people about themselves. I want to get to know people and reconnect with the ones I already know. I just want to get coffee and write about life for the rest of time. I want to go to church, do pilgrimages and immersions, retreats, journal, drink coffee, love my friends, and die laughing.
Speaking of which, I do need something from you (this is me breaking this glass screen between us...). I need prayers. I’m trying to expand my life and try new things. So pray that my school breaks/this school year will be full of growth and faith. Also, I think I’m in a weird place with love friendships. Which is such a struggle right now. I’m also at least 25% frustrated at all times. If you ask me about I’ll probably complain a lot and then proceed to apologize about complaining. I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but my overcommitment and lack of energy/time makes me feel like I’m coming off as ungrateful. I’m grateful, just going in a rough patch.
Anyway, the other day I was sitting on the couch in the house I come to know better than expected this summer. I was next to a boy who my friend has a crush on, who doesn’t know the extent of which he has affected my life in both positive and negative ways. We’re sitting together on the couch and we end up defining our friendship, so we are now officially friends. Because of this, I start asking him about his life. Friends need to know things about each other, right? Hometown, siblings, middle name, major, etc. All the basics. We talked about my family briefly and we talked about his more intensely. We ended up talking about date nights, prefs, formals, etc. The bane of sorority life sometimes. We talked about getting asked and asking and the important implications of both. I said I never been asked to a fraternity event. He was surprised or at least pretended to be. He has a good heart. Sometimes. I don’t know how it got to this, but he ended up getting me to admit to him a boy who I have had my heart on. I only gave him two facts, but he knew. He said he could see us together, but it doesn’t matter what he thinks. It matters what the other guy thinks. Anyway, the monogamist in me is sad.
Let’s move on. I can’t talk about love friendship for a long time or else I’ll talk about it for a very long time.
RCIA starts tomorrow. I’m really excited. All summer and for about a year really I’ve been meaning to write about my faith journey, but I keep putting it off because it seems so long and complicated. But then again every day that goes on it gets longer and more complicated. So there’s that. So great for me, right? I think my faith journey is something I should make a video about. I think if I wrote it all out, the perfectionist in me would come out and I would never post it. Should I keep a video diary? Let me know!
Moving on again, God and faith, in general, have played an interesting role in my life recently. Four of my greatest faith mentors are no longer on campus at LMU. I’ve had to fill those gaps and struggled with the difference/new balance. I just really miss Taryn, Samii, Kristina, and Kristen. I don’t go to campus ministry as much as I used to. Greek Light isn’t the same. It’s okay, just different. The usual people don’t come as often. I can’t tell if I need more from people or if I just need something completely different. I haven’t prayed about it. I’m more so just confused about everything anyway, but I guess I should be okay with growing pains.
At the end of the day, I miss my friends. I miss the spring semester. My classes are demanding. My apartment has been a tough adjustment and I’m too hung up on things that shouldn’t matter. I’m trying to refocus my life, but it’s so hard. I don’t feel like I have time for everything I want to do, but at the same time, I’m doing so many things I love. I’ve met so many people through everything that I’m a part of and I would never give that up for anything. It’s such a struggle bus! I always want to apply to more and more things and experience more and more of what LMU has to offer, but I can’t right now. See, this is why am stressed and sad. I have so much on my mind at all times and all I need is a week to sleep. Or Silent Retreat. I just feel like I haven’t relaxed in years. In months. In weeks. I’m just tired. If you read this far and you’re confused, I am too. If you don’t know what to think about all of this, I don’t know either.